I am a very tall man (6'10").
I was once on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther tip of the South Island called Invercargill.
The plane I was flying in was very old propellar driven thing, I think it was a C47 Goonie Bird.
The toilet was certainly not designed for a guy my size because the bowl was against the far wall, but the ceiling curved backwards. I found myself leaning way back like I was doing the limbo and trying to urinate at the same time.
Being a propellar driven plane, we hit a bit of turbulance. Because I was leaning backwards so much, put my left hand behind me to brace myself against the door and continued to urinate.
My left hand accidentally hit the door latch and I fell backwards into the aisle and every passenger turned around to see me laying in the aisle with my penis in my hand and I could not stop urinating for the life of me.
I got back into the toilet and composed myself. After another 10 minutes, i returned to my seat and everyone started to applaud.
One old man thanked me for the funiest sight he had seen in all of his life.
I have never returned to New Zealand since.
Wal-Mart
Things I like to do at Wal-Mart:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And last, but not least!)
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Grass
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, please come to my house!"
"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Jokes
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
DAM!
Have you heard the joke about the butter,
I better not tell you, you might spread it